Keeping it Real



This past holiday season, while scanning for the top and recent movie titles on Netflix, the word “catfishing” caught my attention. I learned that catfishing means the deceptive act of creating fake online identities to lure folks into false relationships. The movie, “Love Hard”, where I encountered the word, was about online dating, which started with the protagonist finding herself the perfect match online after several failed attempts at dating before. Not only is this guy good looking, she is having interesting conversations with him, sharing many common interests and just feels such a strong connection with him that it feels too good to be true ! She travels across the country to surprise him. Instead, she is in for a rude shock when she finds out he looks nothing like his profile picture. The plot takes a few sweet turns when the guy promises to introduce her to the real person in the picture. She tries to date the other guy, but realizes that she had developed a connection with the first guy even if he didn’t look like the picture. Though the picture was fake, the guy she connected to was real.

While the movie starts by highlighting catfishing, it ends with the more profound message that appearance isn’t everything. I thought the message is very relevant in the current landscape where the most popular social media platforms are encouraging people to consume pictures and create an environment of unhealthy competition of producing the “perfect” pictures. This is putting an unwarranted pressure, mostly on young minds, who are trying to establish an identity for themselves. The visual nature of today’s popular social networking platforms such as instagram, snapchat, tiktok put a high premium on appearance. And it is very easy for young minds to get sucked into a virtual world that could well be smoke and mirrors. With polished, curated and filtered images and videos, young people feel they have to look a certain way based on the posted images on these platforms.

Covid and lockdowns taught us that there is definitely value in social networks and the virtual world. However while accepting the value it is important to separate the fake from the real. While hiding behind the anonymity of a virtual identity, it can be tempting to put up a fake front - which is the basis of the virtual world being rooted in fake - fake profiles, fake stories, fake news, fake pictures.


Researchers, psychologists and even regular people with common sense could see that these platforms and the way they are used, couldn’t be healthy - especially for the younger generation in their formative years. I remember a wise gentleman calling it “Fakebook” and refusing to have anything to do with it. Tristan Harris (@tristanharris) ex-google felt so strongly about the social networking giants focusing on increasing user attention, retention and their bottomline without owning up to social responsibility, that he left google to start his non-profit in 2015 to spread the message. The Netflix documentary “The Social Dilemma” (2020), raises awareness how the “technology that connects us also manipulates, distracts, divides, controls, polarizes and monetizes”.

It took a whistleblower from Facebook and an article reported by the Wall Street Journal for people to take more seriously what researchers had been saying for a while. Among other alarming findings it came to light that Facebook knew but did nothing with its internal research that instagram was toxic for teen girls’ mental health - making girls feel worse about themselves, causing eating disorders, increasing depression and suicidality. Tech giants have justified with the standard argument that these are tools and like any tool the onus of using it responsibly is on its users. However, like other harmful products such as guns, drugs, or toxic toys, lawmakers are on a path to put the responsibility on the product makers via the The Kids Online Safety Act (KOSA) (One pager).

The fact remains that these are useful connectivity tools that are here to stay. And the answer isn’t “they are harmful, don’t use them!”. For the time being, there may be some simple ways to combat triggering posts. One can use certain apps settings to disable algorithmic feeds (search on “how to change the settings to show less of what triggers you” for your social media apps). For example, there is the “Not interested” on Instagram posts, or turning the Limit or Limit even more on the sensitive control setting. On a more philosophical side, one can try to get a reality check on a post that’s causing angst. The realization that the person posting is not meaning personal harm and may themselves be going through some rough times, can be liberating. And if one genuinely feels there is intentional harm like cyberbullying or manipulative spread of fake news, block it if it triggers, or speak up if one feels up to it. Question one's own intent for a post and try to keep it real. Doesn’t mean we need to post our ugliest pictures, but knowing that looking real isn’t such a bad thing. Connecting with and meeting real friends (this was difficult during covid) and planning real activities that one enjoys brings the appreciation of the real world. Asking oneself if one could say the same thing to someone’s face, that one is so quick to post online - can develop a skill in honest, personal communication.

The original intent of online profiles and persona in social media and social networks is to mirror and represent our real personalities in the virtual world. However, human beings’ powerful imagination allows us to spin our stories in the way we want to present them to the world. It gives us the power to curate our profile by purging the parts of us which we may not like about ourselves at that moment rather than accept, love, nurture and develop ourselves into the beautiful beings that we are. It is our choice whether we represent ourselves falsely and unknowingly harm ourselves or we keep it real!

Image credit : Tristan photo from the Ellen Show
















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